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This is an excerpt from my e-book, Counselors: People of Integrity:
Why is it important to be biblical counselors of holiness and integrity?
1. You are doing spiritual work in the lives of others.
2. You are doing spiritual work in your own life.
3. You are illustrating with your life what the change is going to look like.
May 12
13
[outline]: Guilt After Leaving
This is an excerpt from my e-book, How to Heal from Religious or Spiritual Abuse:
III. What are the areas of struggle faced by those who leave a cult or any other religious group or organization?
A. Guilt (a deep source of personal condemnation)
1. Guilt is the number one tool of manipulation used by all spiritually abusive groups. // It is also used in personal relationships like the family or extended family.
2. False guilt is usually promoted and portrayed as genuine guilt.
a. True guilt implies, “I am worthy of blame. I’ve done something wrong.” If we have done something wrong, we should feel guilty or convicted!
1) One of the roles of the Holy Spirit is to convict of sin, righteousness and judgment (John 16:8).
2) King David after he sinned by taking a census
a) 2 Samuel 24:10, “And David’s heart condemned him after he had numbered the people. So David said to the Lord, ‘I have sinned greatly in what I have done; but now, I pray, O Lord, take away the iniquity of Your servant, for I have done very foolishly.’”
b. False religions, however, take false guilt (based on lies that you are worthy of blame) and convert it to make it feel like true guilt.
1) ill.: “I feel guilty when I take a shower everyday because I was told it was wasteful to use that water on myself.”
a) She was pressured to believe a lie about normal personal hygiene.
2) ill: “I feel guilty wearing clothes that did not come from a thrift store because I was told I was selfish and proud to spend money on myself.”
a) Remember, it is the goal of abusive groups to get as much money out of the victim under the pretense it is for the purpose of “spreading the word” (proselytizing) when in reality it is for power and control and enrichment of the leadership.
b) Most cult and spiritually abusive leaders are personally rich.
3. ill.: “I feel guilty for eating a full meal because that money could have been used for the “ministry” of the organization. I am being wasteful.”
a) Judas used the same logic on Jesus when in reality he was stealing money from the disciples’ money bag.
(1) John 12: 3-6, “Then Mary took a pound of very costly oil of spikenard, anointed the feet of Jesus, and wiped His feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the oil. But one of His disciples, Judas Iscariot, Simon’s son, who would betray Him, said, ‘Why was this fragrant oil not sold for three hundred denarii and given to the poor?’ This, he said, not that he cared for the poor, but because he was a thief, and had the money box; and he used to take what was put in it.”
b) The Apostle Paul warned believers about people who would condemn you and put you on a guilt trip based on what you ate or drank.
(1) Col. 2:16 “ So let no one judge you in food or in drink, or regarding a festival or a new moon or Sabbaths.”
(2) Col. 2:20-23 “Therefore, if you died with Christ from the basic principles of the world, why, as though living in the world, do you subject yourselves to regulations – do not touch, do not taste, do not handle, which all concern things which perish with the using – according to the commandments and doctrines of men? These things indeed have an appearance of wisdom in self-imposed religion, false humility, and neglect of the body, but are of no value against the indulgence of the flesh.”
Spiritually abused people often are pressured to live in conditions of extreme poverty and sacrifice while the leaders are secretly or openly living a life of luxury.
a. ill.: Catholic cathedrals with wealthy priests living in the midst of people in extreme poverty.
A major source of false guilt that feels true is the thought in the back of the victim’s mind that by leaving the group, they are betraying their “family” (cult, religious group).
a. The false religion became their birth family substitute and support group structure.
1) In truth, the Christian family often has to serve in the place of a broken birth family.
2) Psalm 27:10 – “When my father and my mother forsake me (divorce, abandon me), then the Lord will take care of me.”
3) Matthew 12:47, 48-50, “Then one said to Him, ‘Look, Your mother and Your brothers are standing outside, seeking to speak with You.’ But He answered and said to the one who told Him, ‘Who is My mother and who are My brothers? … For whoever does the will of My Father in heaven is My brother and sister and mother.’ ”
b. Leaving the group creates a major feeling of disloyalty.
1) The cult stresses loyalty in a person or to a system over truth.
2) ill.: A Mormon woman stated that if she discovered her church was not true, she would never leave it.
c. This could be compounded by the fact that their real birth family was or is deeply involved in the cult/church also.
1) ill.: A son, whose family is deeply involved in the Roman Catholic Church with all of its traditions, feels a deep sense of guilt and disloyalty in leaving.
2) ill.: Victims who leave a cult like Mormonism will go through a grieving process similar to a death because of all the losses they experience by leaving.
d. They feel that they are both abandoning the cult family and being abandoned by them.
1) Many times a those who leave a spiritually abusive church or cult are abandoned by their birth family.
a) ill.: When former Catholics become Christians and leave the Roman Catholic Church.
b) ill.: When Muslims convert to Christianity, they are not only abandoned but many are killed.
2) In extreme cases they may be persecuted and even killed.
5. They also feel they are abandoning God, at least as they understand God.
a. False religions distort the character of God and mold Him into their false belief system.
1) ill.: Israel did this often in the Old Testament.
2) Romans 1:21-23, “because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful but became futile in their thoughts and their foolish hearts were darkened. Professing to be wise, they became fools, and changed the glory of the incorruptible God into an image made like corruptible man – and birds and four-footed animals and creeping things.”
b. False religions manipulate their followers through a totally unbiblical theology.
1) Col. 2:8, 20-23 – “Beware, lest anyone cheat you through philosophy and empty deceit, according to the tradition of men, according to the basic principles of the world, and not according to Christ. Therefore, if you died with Christ from the basic principles of the world, why, as though living in the world, do you subject yourselves to regulations – do not touch, do not taste (eat meat on Friday), do not handle, which all concern things which perish with the using – according to the commandments and doctrines of men? These things indeed have an appearance of wisdom in self- imposed religion, false humility, and neglect of the body, but are of no value against the indulgence of the flesh.”
6. They need to test all feelings of guilt with biblical truth.
a. This is a new experience for most victims because they are accustomed to being led by their feelings or told what to believe.
1) Mormons confirm their faith by a “burning in their bosom.”
b. We are to test all teachings with truth as revealed in the Bible.
1) The Bereans did this with the Apostle Paul’s teaching.
a) Acts 17:11 – “These were more fair-minded than those in Thessalonica in that they received the word with all readiness and searched the Scriptures daily to find out whether these things were so.”
2) False teachers were to be tested by the truth of Scripture.
a) I Jn. 4:1, “Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits whether they are of God; because many false prophets have gone out into the world.”
c. But cults cannot stand to be tested with truth because their religion is based on feelings and distorted facts. Fear strikes their heart and often it comes out of them in anger.
7. The hardest task for the “victim” is to change his core belief system (heart’s innermost being) to line up with truth and reality. All behavioral responses to events or actions of others first must go through a core belief system. It is this system that determines one’s response.
a. Changing one’s core belief is a personal growth process. It is not a quick fix overnight.
1) Romans 12:2 – “And do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.”
b. The “victim” will struggle for a long time as they grow in truth.
1) II Peter 3:18 – “but grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.”
2) Col. 2: 6,7 – “As you therefore have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him, rooted and built up in Him and established in the faith as you have been taught, abounding in it with thanksgiving.”
c. There will be triggers that cause them to think of the cult and be tempted to return. // The mature believers in the church of Rome were instructed to be sensitive to the new believers who left a pagan cult with ritual sacrifices which involved meat (Romans 14).
1) The necessary process of change is described by the Apostle Paul in Rom. 12:2, “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable will of God.” We were born again in our spirit (John 3:6), not our mind. The mind needs major reprogramming.
8. Leaving a false religious cult is only step one. Now the hard work begins because it often affects every part of the person’s life.
9. Remember, true guilt and false guilt feels the same. It is only by repeatedly testing those feelings, determining the truth, then choosing to act on the truth that genuine freedom is achieved.
a. John 1:14 – “And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth.”
b. John 8:32 – “And you shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.”
c. John 14:6 – “Jesus said to him, ‘I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.’ ”
d. John 16:13, “ However, when He, the Spirit of truth has come, He will guide you into all truth. For He will not speak on His own authority, but whatever he hears He will speak; and He will tell you things to come.”
For more information regarding my e-book, How to Heal from Religious of Spiritual Abuse, click here: http://drchucklynch.com/how-to-heal-from-religious-or-spiritual-abuse/
May 12
6
[outline]: Motivation
This is an excerpt from “Five Aspects of Biblical Counseling”
[OUTLINE]:
IV. Motivation // At least four ways God motivates for change.
A. By God’s Word
1. Heb. 4:12-13, “For the Word of God is living and active sharper than any two-edged
sword…”
2. Rom 10:17, “So then faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God.”
3. II Timothy 3:16 “All scripture is given by inspiration of God and is profitable for doctrine, for
reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness.”
This is an excerpt from my e-book, Circles of Responsibility:
What are four things you can do to either restore a relationship or bring peace to yourself in an irreconcilable relationship?
1. Identify what actually happened or is happening.
2. Assign responsibility for all the parts of the conflict.
3. Assume responsibility for the assigned parts (own them).
4. Fulfill what is in your circle of responsibility.
IV. Fulfill your circle of responsibility. // Here is the heart of power and change; it’s the power of personal responsibility.
A. The steps of identify, assign and assume, do not work without the final step of fulfilling your circle of responsibility.
1. This is the primary step that makes counseling effective.
B. God only blesses the “doers” of His Word, not the “knowers”.
1. James 1:22, 25, “Prove yourselves doers of the Word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves. (25) But one who looks intently at the perfect law, … and abides by it, not having become a forgetful hearer but an effectual doer (fulfiller) this man shall be blessed in what he does.”
2. Many people confuse listening with doing.
3. When someone says. “This counseling is not working” ask “What have you been asked to do (assign, assume) and are you doing it?” You may need to modify your “things to do” list but usually the person(s) is not carrying through what they should do.
C. The benefits of being a doer (fulfiller) of what is in your circle of responsibility.
1. It will give you something to focus on for direction. (Focus)
a. “I know the next right thing to do.”
2. It will give you a purpose for life. (Purpose)
a. “I now have purpose in my life.”
3. It will give you a sense of accomplishment. (Accomplishment)
a. “I feel like I’m getting somewhere.”
4. It will give you a sense of security. (Security)
a. “I know this is what I should do!”
Ask the group to share experiences of sharing truth and people not following through or when they have had to modify their counsel.
5. It will reduce anxiety. (Peace)
a. “I don’t have to wonder if I should be doing something else.”
6. It will reduce tension. (Calm)
a. “I don’t need to be in someone else’s circle.”
7. It will reduce conflict. (Harmony)
a. “That’s not my responsibility.”
8. It will rebuild relationships. (Heal)
a. “Now I’m free to have a relationship.”
9. It will be a powerful witness. (Witness).
a. “My life speaks louder than my words.”
10. It will give you a sense of well-being. (Contentment)
a. “I can be at peace within myself.”
D. (Hard) Realize people are going to be irreconcilable in the last days no matter what you do. // People will refuse to assume and fulfill what is in their circle of responsibility.
1.The Apostle Paul made this sad reality clear to Timothy. People at the end of time will be characterized by:
a. II Tim 3:3 “…unloving, irreconcilable, malicious, gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good.”
1) This is the only use of the Greek word “irreconcilable” in the New Testament.
2) It literally means “without libation or drink offering.” The drink offering to be poured out on an altar was to seal a treaty between warring generals from different countries. But one general chose to not pour out the drink offering.
2. Know that God understands people will be irreconcilable. This is reassuring. The Apostle Paul illustrated this in a marriage where one of the mates was not a Christian and wants to leave the marriage after the best efforts of the believer to save a marriage.
a. I Cor. 7:15, “Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace.”
3. God’s goal is peace and He has a special reward for those who help bring peace. a. I Cor. 7:15b “God has called us to peace.” b. Matt. 5:9, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.”
4. One means of achieving this goal of peace is by identifying, assigning, assuming and fulfilling our individual circles of responsibility. Failure to do this will also bring failure to the efforts of reconciliation and peace.
E. Remember, you will only be held accountable to God for your own circle of responsibility.
1. II Cor. 5:10, “For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may be recompensed for his deeds in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad.”
F. It may seem unfair that only you are being the responsible one. // But that is better than no one. Yes, it is unfair, but life in a sin filled and fallen world is unfair.
1. You can be well or at peace with or without the other person’s cooperation // because peace is a manifestation of the Holy Spirit in our life and is not dependant on anyone else or on circumstances (Gal. 5:22).
a. You may experience sadness because of other’s failure to be responsible, but sadness is an appropriate emotional response for their failure.
b. Phil. 3:18, “For many walk, of whom I often told you, and now tell you even weeping, that they are enemies of the cross of Christ.”
1) You can help to reduce the tension by fulfilling your own circle of responsibility.
G. Your task is to do what’s in your circle of responsibility, then having done all that you can do, to “stand.”
1. Eph. 6:13, “Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.”
For more information about my e-book, Circles of Responsibility, click here: http://www.drchucklynch.com/circles-of-responsibility/
This is an excerpt from my e-book, How to Live with a Self-Centered Person:
D. The core beliefs and behavioral patterns of the self-centered person. No one has all these characteristics. It is a matter of degree. We will use the male pronoun throughout these notes but these patterns can be seen in both men and women, although the higher percentage is in men. These patterns can be seen in spouses, parents, bosses, employees, siblings, friends, church members and basically every area of society.
1. Expectations: He has unrealistic expectations. As a result, he expects others to be perfect and meet his every need and criticizes every perceived failure to do so. He expects loyalty but is hardly loyal to those he exploits.
2. Manipulator: He manipulates others to cater to his every need. His tools of manipulation are guilt, fear, anger, false promises, money, control, accusations of being a poor wife or mother, spiritual abuse and submission totally out of balance. He ignores his responsibility to lay down his life for his wife (Ephesians 5) and grant her honor (I Peter 3:7). He believes he does not have to; he is now the new “lord.”
3. Hypersensitive: He is easily insulted, claiming that his feelings are hurt when he is really mad. He will rant about injustices of things that are normally just a part of life. He is very thin skinned. He reacts to criticism with feelings of rage, humiliation or shame.
4. Verbally Abusive: He constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel or hurtful things, degrades (hair, weight etc.), curses, calls his victim ugly names. He may insist on late night talk marathons to bring about sleep deprivation (which is a form of abuse). A self-centered husband will tell his wife that no one would want her. Out of his own deep sense of feeling degraded and of little self-worth and value, he will project those feelings on to others.
a. God says, “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers” (Eph. 4:29).
b. Abuse is using another person in a way which is harmful, usually inflicting physical and/or emotional pain, to gain or receive some form of control or gratification.
5. His Feelings: He makes everyone else responsible for his feelings. He will say, “You make me angry” instead of “I am angry.” He will feel justified in his anger because his feelings have been hurt.
6. Other’s Feelings: He has total lack of empathy or has an inability to understand or recognize how others feel. Others’ feelings are discounted. They have no validity to him. Thus, the lack of empathy is a major hallmark of this attitude. He is disgusted by others’ weaknesses, hurt, pain or emotional distress (Rinck, p. 51).
7. Blame Shifting: He chronically blames others for problems and mistakes. He twists everything around so that it is always someone else’s fault when things go wrong. If you hold him responsible for his behavior that hurts his feelings. He may get mad about his hurt feelings and will say, “Why are you picking on me?”
Because the self-centered person does not respond to insight at any deep level, he will blame another totally for his feelings. Because his ego (sense of value) is so fragile, he cannot allow himself any self-examination to see where he might be wrong. Because he has so little insight into his own personality and has a strong need to feel special (apart from Christ), he cannot see the extent of his sin- functional behavior, therefore, takes no responsibility for his behavior and blames others instead. It is the only way he can remain superior (lord) in his mind.
a. Adam started this blame shifting pattern. Gen 3:12, “Then the man said to God, ‘The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate.’”
b. Aaron blamed the people for the golden calf he made, then, lied about how the calf was made (Ex. 32:21-24).
8. Mood Swings: He will demonstrate sudden mood swings in which he will switch from being sweet and loving to explosively violent behavior in a matter of minutes. A self-centered person will often switch instantly by acting one way one moment and acting entirely different the next. (Let’s … p. 37) He is often experienced like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. (Rinck, p. 16)
a. James 1:8, “He is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.”
9. Threat of Violence: He could make statements like, “I’ll break your neck” or “I’ll kill you” and then dismiss his words to you with, “Everyone talks that way” or “I didn’t mean it.” If his self-centered behavior has progressed this far, it’s time to get help or get out. His hatred (really fear) of women may not be expressed physically (but often becomes so), but rather mentally and emotionally and is expressed more subtly (Rinck, p. 18). One out of two wives will be beaten at some point during their marriage. (IBCD, p. 42)
10. Rationalization: He is a master at rationalization and shaming. He displays unacceptable behavior, then, comes up with socially acceptable excuses. Why? The “adult” has to rationalize the behavior of the “child.” He really is ashamed of his childish behavior.
11. Rewrites History: He has practiced rewriting historical events for so many years that he can do it in adulthood in a matter of minutes. Conversations and events are rewritten to make him out to be innocent and others guilty or he even may deny the event occurred. In that sense, he is calling his victim a liar when in reality he is the liar. But as “lord,” he thinks he is the pillar of truth.
12. Crazy Making: This is also known as double messages. It has to do with drawing a woman in by soft tones and kind words … even a hug; and in the next moment he raises his voice, tenses his muscles and barks a command or demeans her. He can act both lovingly and hatefully with equal passion which really confuses her by this double message. He will even despise her more when she is weakened by the pain he caused. (Rinck, p. 19)
13. Brain Washing: He will hammer issues and ideas into his victim’s mind because he is right and the other person just needs to see it his way. If others would just listen, they would agree with him! Thus, he is very opinionated because he is lord.
14. Appearance is Everything: This is not a game to him. He really believes life is about appearances (Matt. 23: 5-7, 28). He spends much of his time looking for people to affirm and adore him. Outwardly he will appear to others as a sensitive, successful, loving man outside the home, but it is a totally different picture at home. (Rinck, p. 16)
15. Pseudo Listener: He is a false listener. When he listens, it is to gather information on how it will benefit him and how he can use the information as ammunition to control, manipulate or argue later.
16. Marriage; an idea, not a person: Marriage is not to a person, but to the idea, what it represents: success, happiness, acceptance in society and church. It’s the woman’s responsibility to help him keep up the image he wishes to present to people while being his sexual ATM machine. Marriage to him is not about love (I Cor. 13). It’s all about how it makes him feel. He has very little capacity to love because he is in love with himself and no one else.
His inclinations toward sexually exploitive behavior could be viewed as a craving for a connection or adoration with many women which feeds his ego (in reality pride) because he needs affirmation and adoration to make up for his deep seated insecurity and inferiority.
Before marriage he treats his future mate with dignity, but once they marry, he throws a switch in his brain which seems to render him incapable of being consistently nice (Let’s … p. 169). Often this pattern emerges before the honeymoon is over to keep his wife off balance. (Rinck, p. 16) But this proves he is capable of being nice. It is an ugly reality that self-centered people cannot sustain expressions of love.
17. Holds Secrets: He will hold secrets about himself and will lie and say they are not there. If the woman gets close, he will manipulate with anger to keep her away. If he has to reveal a secret in order to win her back because she is threatening to leave him, he may give up one of his deep dark secrets, but he will not give them all up. Why? The exposure is too threatening to his security.
18. Scared of Wife: Because she can hurt him emotionally like no other person can, he lives in fear of his wife, not in love with her (I Cor. 13; I Jn 4:18). He may have a fear of abandonment. In reality he is a scared little boy inside (I Cor. 13:11). The real issue is that he is very dependent on women but actually hates them. The phrase “hatred of women” is a literal translation of the Greek word misogunia (misein – to hate; gune – women), thus the title misogynist. (Rinck, p.
19. Self-Awareness: He has very little true awareness of himself or others. He does not believe in the basic truth that each person brings positive qualities to relationships.
20. Resistant to Change: There is very little you can do humanly to convince a true self-centered person (narcissist) to change. Why? By definition a narcissist has a very limited ability to accept someone else’s version of reality. Why? Because he views himself as the ultimate keeper of truth. He can’t admit wrong or if he does ever admit wrong, he will rewrite history and convince himself he was actually right in the first place. (Let’s, p. 3)
For more information regarding my e-book, How to Live with a Self-Centered Person, click here: http://www.drchucklynch.com/how-to-live-with-a-self-centered-person/
This is an excerpt from my e-book, How to Live with a Self-Centered Person:
I. The Self-Centered Person A. Introduction
1. Everyone has some selfish tendencies but they can be reasoned with and can come to a mutually agreeable conclusion. The extreme self-centered person (narcissist) is different.
2. Story of Narcissus
a. In Greek mythology, Narcissus was the extraordinarily beautiful son of a minor God. He was so handsome that all the nymphs of the woods, where he went often to hunt, were in love with him. But he shunned them all. One day a maiden who had tried in vain to attract him uttered a prayer that he might some time or other feel what it was to love and not have that love returned. The avenging goddess Juno heard and granted the prayer.
Soon after that, while he was out hunting, Narcissus came upon a clear fountain. He stooped down to drink and saw his own image in the water. He thought the image was some beautiful water-spirit living in the fountain. He fell in love with himself. When he brought his lips near to take a kiss and plunged his arms in to embrace the beloved object, it fled but returned again after a moment and renewed his fascination. Narcissus could not bear to turn away; he lost all thought of food or rest while he hovered over the brink of the fountain gazing longingly upon his own image. As his tears fell into the water, the image fled again and again, leaving him inconsolable. Eventually he pined away and died.
The term, narcissism, taken from the myth of Narcissus, has become associated with an exaggerated focus on and absorption in the self.
b. In the end times men will be defined as lovers of themselves (II Timothy 3:2).
3. Definition: Narcissists are so deeply self-absorbed that they focus exclusively on manipulating others to get what they want. They have little interest in changing because they do not believe they have problem areas in need of change; it’s always the other people with the problems who need changing. They are unwilling to receive feedback (from anyone) …they seem to specialize in making the lives of those closest to them miserable.
4. “Malignant narcissism” is a form of narcissistic personality disorder characterized by suspiciousness to the point of paranoia, feelings of grandiosity and sadistic cruelty accompanied by complete lack of remorse (Dictionary of Psychology, Reber, p. 481).
B. Biblical understanding of the self-centered person
1. Satan lied to Eve in the Garden of Eden that if she ate of the forbidden fruit of the tree in the middle of the garden, she would not die (Gen. 3:4). He removed the consequences of disobedience in her thinking so she felt free to decide for herself what she wanted to do.
2. Next, Satan lied to her that God was holding out on her, “For God knows that in the day you eat of it your eyes will be opened and you will be like God, knowing good and evil” (Gen. 3:5). So she ate and passed it to Adam and he ate.
3. Self-centered persons cannot be told what is right or wrong because they have been deceived like Eve (II Cor. 11:3) and in their new god-like status they determine what is right and wrong.
a. Rom. 1:20-22, “For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, 21) because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened. 22) Professing to be wise, they became fools.”
4. What was Satan’s offer? You can be your own god – deciding what is good and evil yourself. You can draw your own circle around your world and truly be “Lord of the Ring” and seek unlimited adoration. This is the demonic lie that motivates Mormons that you can become a god yourself.
5. God does not sit on the throne of the heart but is made the servant of the self- centered “lord”. The God of the universe is irrelevant to him (Rom. 1:21). His self absorption illustrates that he has elevated himself to God-like status to be adored.
6. The unbeliever does not even have God in his circle and may even hate God (Rom. 1:30) because there can only be
7. The believer who is living a self-centered life has removed Christ from being Lord in his life (Rom. 10:9) and now has made God his enemy (Rom. 8:7) and is totally controlled by the flesh (Gal. 5:19-21).
8. The spirit-filled, obedient Christian has Christ on the throne of his heart (in his core belief system). Christ is Lord! (Rom. 10:9)
9. One of the reasons the self-centered believer or the non-believer usually does not change is because he refuses to give up control of the throne of his heart. Life is all about him now! He is a lover of himself (2 Tim. 3:2). He fears if he gives any power over to another, they may not let him still be boss or lord.
C. The operational system of the self-centered person, with self on the throne of his heart, has Satan now in control.
1. Realize negative emotions and lordship entitlements of the heart control the self- centered person’s behavior.
2. Most people believe that the self-centered person’s behavior and responses are direct results of some action of another (offense) or an event (car accident). The event happens and the self-centered person just responds. It would seem that external factors totally influence their inner mood or sense of direction. They are just reacting.
3. In reality, however, present events or actions of others first go through his core belief system that the scripture defines as the heart (Matt. 15:19, Prov. 4:23, Prov. 15:13, Prov. 23:7, Matt. 12:34). The behaviors or responses are a result of the self-centered person’s beliefs, lordship entitlements (adoration) and negative emotions (i.e. fear of failure, rejection, etc.). He is not primarily responding to your words or actions although he may do all he can to blame you for his behavior.
DRAWING:
4. The core belief system (heart) contains our thoughts (reasoning), our memory of things done to us, by us or around us (history) and our memory of the emotions we felt from those events. These help form the core belief system. Out of this system comes negative emotions and self-serving entitlements he believes he deserves which control behavior and responses.
DRAWING:
5. The self-centered entitlement of being adored tends to manage his life and relationships more than anything else. He may not have a fear of abandonment but he does have a daily fear of not being adored.
a. A true entitlement is bestowed from one person to another. A false entitlement is a right, claim, demand, sense of deserving or feeling of ownership of something without a mutual agreement or it being earned. A sense of entitlement is taken or demanded from another person to oneself.
b. Self-centered entitlements control thoughts, feelings, goals, behaviors, relationships, spirituality, ministry, finances and careers.
c. Many self-centered people work hard to prove to others the lie that they deserve these entitlements – self-appointed rights, privileges and adoration.
d. An acrostic of the word, entitlement, is:
Everyone
Needs
To
Insure
That
Life
Envelops
My
Every
Need
Totally
For more information regarding my e-book, How to Live with a Self-Centered Person, click here: http://www.drchucklynch.com/how-to-live-with-a-self-centered-person/
Apr 12
18
[outline]: Application (Personal)
This is an excerpt from “Five Aspects of Biblical Counseling”
[OUTLINE]:
A. Many people may know the facts of Scripture but may not have applied them to them-
selves.
1. They may have a habit of ignoring them or always applying them to others.
2. They may not know how to apply the truth or insight to their particular situation. This is at
least one place you can help.
3. They may know their Bible, but they are not applying it to their life. They confuse listening
with doing.
This is an excerpt from my e-book, Introduction to Biblical Counseling: Journaling:
Journaling
I. DEFINITION: A writing process that spontaneously makes notes of selected significant past and present events.
A. It has been referred to as Aan excellent way to begin having a relationship with ourselves for perhaps the first time@ (A.C. Guide, p. 89). It is getting to know both the events and emotions of the past.
B. The adventure of journaling is just for you and absolutely no one else. No one should have the right to read your journal without your explicit permission.
II. THE SCRIPTURAL BASIS FOR JOURNALING
A. The Apostle Paul used past written history as the basis for present instructions. He referred to this process as he instructed the church in the city of Corinth.
1. 1 Corinthians 10:11 “Now these things happened to them (Israel) as an example, and they were written for our instruction, upon whom the ends of the ages have come.”
a. “These things” are recalled in verses 1-10.
b. “Happened to them” events that happened from time to time to demonstrate cause and effect of actions and relationships. There were specific results that came from specific actions.
c. “Example” literally means “to make an impression” like a signet ring pressed into clay. But the ring that made the impression is gone and only the impression remains.
d. “Were written for” (imperfect tense) these events were written down from time to time in the past. Not every event was recorded, but only those designed for a purpose. All 39 books in the Old Testament had a purpose.
e. “Our” refers to the people living now who are facing the closing days of God’s purpose and plan for man.
f. “Instruction” (Greek – mind + to put or place) “to place into the mind” or “to drive a point home,” to make a specific point.
g. Summary: There were historical events that happened from time to time in the past that had specific consequences for the people involved. These events were written down for us from time to time in order to impress on us certain truths and to drive home specific lessons. Journaling will help you recall things from the past that God may want you to deal with in the present, for your benefit and His glory (Matt. 5:16).
B. Paul used past written history which was very painful to many, to give others hope today.
1. Romans 15:4 “For whatever was written in earlier times was written for our instruction, that through perseverance and encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.”
a. “Whatever” Each detail of life can prove to be of value to us.
b. “Was written” It took human effort to write down what God wanted recorded by means of inspiration of the Holy Spirit.
c. “Earlier times” These were Old Testament times, past history. It was oral history for years then God directed specific men to journal out this history.
d. “For our instruction” These were written to drive home the reality of specific events and to see specific truths and learn precise lessons.
e. “Through perseverance” While enduring our own present afflictions and distress, there will be times of instruction and hope for us in the trial.
f. “Encouragement of the Scripture” Other’s past journaled events serve as a source of encouragement to us while working on our own issues.
g. “We might have hope” The past recorded events of real people will give us hope as we journal out our past. The 39 books of the Old Testament give the needed hope to work through our issues today. Plus, we now have the benefit of all the New Testament.
C. Applications:
1. A smart man learns from his mistakes, but a wise man learns from the mistakes of others (i.e. Old Testament saints).
2. There are historical events and patterns from our past and from our parents’ past from which we can learn. These historical events definitely have a practical, personal application for you today.
a.
3. Journaling is our own personal research into the past as an opportunity for God to heal hurts and to glean valuable lessons while learning biblical tools to use to improve our own quality of life in Christ.
For more information on my e-book, Introduction to Biblical Counseling: Journaling, click here:
http://www.drchucklynch.com/introduction-to-biblical-counseling-journaling/
This is an excerpt from my e-book, How to Live with a Self-Centered Person:
How to Respond to a Self-Centered Person
V. Grant Forgiveness on a Daily Basis
A. Welcome your anger as a friend.
1. One of the hindrances to forgiveness is the reluctance to acknowledge the presence of anger toward the self-centered person.
2. Anger could very well be the most lied about emotion, especially among those living with a self-centered person.
3. Anger can be used in many wrong ways either by you or the self-centered person. He will add rage and temper tantrums to his arsenal.
a. To change
b. To control
c. To manipulate
d. To avoid other negative emotions (guilt, fear, shame)
e. To avoid responsibility
f. To exact revenge
B. Understand God’s purpose for healthy anger.
1. God gives you permission to acknowledge your anger (Eph. 4:26).
2. God designed anger to be a notifier of needs, hurts, fears, frustrations (Psalm 42:5a).
3. God knows you are going to get hurt in life.
a. It’s a fact of life that every person will get hurt emotionally and sometimes physically (I Peter 4:12).
b. You may be tax-exempt but you are not test exempt (I Cor. 10:13).
c. Believers are singled out to experience hurt (I Peter 2:20-21).
4. Anger can be an automatic emotional response to present and past hurts, whether you are a Christian or not.
5. Anger can be expressed in various ways:
a. The exploder (the volcanoes)
b. Imploders (passive aggressive)
c. Runners (conflict avoiders)
C. Discover the need behind your friend, anger.
1. Give yourself permission to feel your anger.
2. Follow the anger down to the need, hurts and offenses.
3. Identify the person behind those offenses.
D. Understand any desire for revenge is a legitimate, biblical principle (Heb 9:22b; Romans 12; 19).
1. Failing to forgive in order to exact revenge is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill the other person (Let’s … p. 179).
E. Realize when you feel the need to take your own revenge, you may have factored God out of all that He has already done to make forgiveness possible.
1. God Himself has already paid the sin bill through the death of His Son. All sin was laid on Christ (2 Cor. 5:21).
2. The offender’s sins were nailed on the cross (Col. 2:14).
3. God’s payment for sin was big enough that it included all the offenses of all people everywhere for all time (I John 2:2; John 3:16).
4. Taking your own revenge is, in a sense, double payment and that is not justice.
5. Forgiveness only makes sense in the light of Christ’s death on the cross (2 Cor. 5:21).
6. But even withholding forgiveness is a subtle form of getting revenge.
F. You may need to visualize in your mind Christ’s punishment for yours and others’ sins.
1. His back was flayed open with a cat-o’-nine-tails (a long rod with long leather strips with glass, or sharp rocks attached to the end (Luke 22:63; I Peter 2:24).
2. His face was smashed to point of non-recognition (Matthew 26:67; 27:30).
3. Verbal curses and insults were hurled at Him (Luke 22:64-65; 23:35-37; Matthew 27:39, CF, 2 Peter 2:23).
4. Thorny branches were drug across His head (John 19:2).
5. They spit in His face (Matthew 26:67).
6. They embarrassed (shamed) Him in front of His friends and family (John 19:25- 26).
7. They drove metal spikes into His hands and feet (John 20:26).
8. They isolated Him from His friends and family (Matthew 27:46).
G. Picture sending the self-centered person over to the Lord Jesus Christ.
1. Realize that the word forgiveness literally means to “send away”, not release.
a. The primary word for forgiveness is made up to two Greek words: “away” and “to send” or “to send away”.
b. The Old Testament priest confessed the sin of the people over the head of the scapegoat as a sign of transferring the people’s sin onto the goat. Then the priest “shall send it away” into the desert, “he shall release the goat in the wilderness” (Lev. 16:7-10).
c. The key question is where do you send sin now?
2. Understand that Christ bore all our sin upon Himself on the cross, therefore sin must be “sent over” to Him and then “released” to Him (I Peter 2:24).
a. Yours and their sin was nailed to Christ’s cross (Col. 2:14).
3. Now confess their sin to God and send it to the Lord Jesus Christ who already paid the debt 2,000 years ago.
4. Remember the choice is to either keep the self-centered person and his offense in your own heart (as a keeper) or to send the self-centered person and his sin over to the Lord Jesus Christ (as a sender).
a. Keepers are controlled by what or who they keep in the jail of their heart through bitterness. To stay stuck in bitterness means you have handed over control to the self-centered person who loves nothing more than to dominate your life.
b. Senders allow themselves to feel the anger, identify the offense and the offender, then; send both the offense and the offender over to the Lord Jesus Christ.
1) 2 Tim 4:14, “Alexander the coppersmith did me much harm. May the Lord repay him according to his works.”
c. You may have to send the self-centered person over to the Lord 70 x 7 times a day. But forgiveness is the only spiritual discipline that will truly give you balance and stability as you continue to relate with these deeply troubled and troubling people (Let’s … p. 179).
5. Basic parts of a prayer of forgiveness
H. Understand you will have memories after you forgive.
1. It is one thing to forgive, it is another thing to live with the memories of the hurts we received or caused.
2. It is one thing to be forgiven and another to live with the consequences of the hurt and damage sin has caused.
3. Often the counsel of the self-centered person to those who have been hurt is “to forgive and forget,” “Put it behind you and move on” (a form of denial), “Don’t let it bother you” (repress your emotions).
4. The discipline of forgiveness has nothing to do with forgetting.
a. God designed our brains so that all memories are stored in your brain by electronic impulses and chemical transference.
b. Memory is not a function of the spirit. It is a biological function of the brain.
c. It must be remembered that a Christian’s brain functions the same physically as a non-Christian’s brain.
d. The Christian discipline of forgiveness does not destroy the brain’s physical function of memory that God designed.
5. Even God’s attributes prevent Him from forgetting.
a. God cannot do anything contrary to His attributes.
b. One of God’s attributes regarding forgiveness and memory is His attribute of omniscience – all knowing.
c. Ezekiel best illustrates what God actually chooses to do with His memory of your forgiven sin.
1)Ezekiel 18:22, “None of the transgressions which he has committed shall be remembered against him; because of the righteousness which he has done, he shall live.”
2)Ezekiel 33:16, “None of his sins which he has committed shall be remembered against him; he has done what is lawful and right; he shall surely live.”
6. Treat memories of forgiven sin like old bills that are stamped “paid.”
7. Stop re-confessing your sin that has already been forgiven.
a. Your memories of past forgiven sin are not designed by God to promote re- confession.
b. Re-confession of past forgiven sin only reinforces a lie that the sin was not forgiven in the first place and can result in increased depression and false guilt.
8. Distinguish between true guilt and false guilt.
a. True guilt means that we are worthy of blame and it should result in confession (1 John 1:9).
b. If we feel guilty after confessing our sin to God, we are now experiencing false guilt, which is a feeling that we are still worthy of blame.
c. All feelings of guilt must be tested by truth (I John 4:1).
d. Choose to live out of your “thinker” (based on truth) and not your “feeler” (based on emotions) which may not be based on truth.
9. Use past memories of forgiven offenses as present reminders of God’s grace and mercy, whether you are granting or receiving forgiveness (2 Timothy 4:14a, 2 Timothy 4:14b).
10. Choose to make your relationships a trophy (example) of grace and mercy, based on giving or receiving forgiveness.
11. Use your past memories of forgiven sin as a basis for your present expressions of love for God.
a. Jesus illustrated this principle with a forgiven prostitute (Luke 7:47).
b. Here are three things you can do when memories of your past forgiven sins come to mind.
c. This is what you can do when memories of the self-centered person’s sins against you come to mind.
12. Remember, forgiveness is what you grant because of what Christ has done on the cross. But, trust is what the self-centered person has to earn because of what he has done to you.
a. Don’t force yourself to trust. That will take time and the rebuilding of a track record.
For more information on my e-book, How to Live with a Self-Centered Person, click here: http://drchucklynch.com/how-to-live-with-a-self-centered-person/
This is an excerpt from my e-book, Counselors: People of Integrity:
I. Introduction
A. Counselors in the USA are in the top three categories of professionals of those with a sex addiction. // Other two categories are gynecologists and pastors.
B. Many counselors have had affairs.
1. The counseling environment is a perfect set up for immoral relationships.
a. Men are sexually vulnerable to admiration from needy women. Men are also stimulated optically and are subject to provocative dress.
1) That’s the reason Job made covenant with his eyes that he would not look lustfully at a girl. (Job 31:1)
b. Women are vulnerable to deep, intimate conversation with men. It has the same effect on women as pornography has on men.
c. Seclusion, privacy, secrecy, confidentiality, secrets are all ingredients to set up potential immoral relationships.
1) Proverbs 7:19-20, “For my husband is not at home; he has gone on a long journey; he has taken a bag of money with him, and will come home on the appointed day.”
d. Key warning: If you start looking forward with delight to meeting a client of the opposite sex, and getting an emotional rush from it, a person of integrity will end that relationship immediately.
1) Transference of emotions is an ever present danger in counseling both men to women and women to men. It can lead to an emotional affair.
2) Through emotional transference, the client will seek to get a legitimate, unmet need met, illegitimately.
e. Many counselors have sex with their clients as a part of their therapy. Today a counselor, therapist, psychologist can be prosecuted in the USA for it and lose their license.
C. Many counselors have divorced and remarried clients or parishioners.
One of my favorite Christian writers on Christian counseling is married to his third wife.
2. A major pastor in one area of the USA had a secret door for his secretary. He was caught. He took another big church and did it again. He came back to his former church area and killed himself.
3. Multi-millions are being spent to pay off the lawsuits of Catholic priests who have molested boys in private under the guise of counseling or ministering. They have fathered many children as priests.
4. God is very upset with Christian counselors and pastors who counsel and minister while acting in hurtful ways to their wives.
a. Malachi 2:13-17
D. Some counselors use helping people to remove their pain or to avoid their own personal pain. // These do not counsel out of integrity.
1. Drawing:
2. A biblical counselor is one who does have problems, but he is working on them, learning from them and demonstrates to others how the biblical tools work in real life.
E. They get their worth and value out of fixing people, rescuing them; instead of from their personal relationship with Christ. (Gal. 2:20)
F. Some counsel out of the feeling of power and control they have over people like the New Testament Pharisees did to the Jews of their day. (Matthew 22:4, 27-28)
1. They strongly desire people to be dependent on them.
a. Any counselor who has a client emotionally dependent on him/her may have failed to have that client transfer their ultimate dependence over to God alone.
b. Matt. 5:16, “Let your light (life) so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.”
c. I Cor. 3:5, “Who then is Paul, and who is Apollos, but ministers through whom you believed as the Lord gave to each one?”
2. Often those who are ministering from a power and control position are “lording it over” them while failing to be examples of what is being taught or counseled.
a. I Peter 5:3, “Not as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock.”
G. Why is it important to be biblical counselors of holiness and integrity?
1. You are doing spiritual work in the lives of others. 2. You are doing spiritual work in your own life. 3. You are illustrating with your life what the change is going to look like.
For more information on my e-book, Counselors: People of Integrity, click here: http://www.drchucklynch.com/counselors-people-of-integrity/
